FiFtH.

Mr. K: I've never been to heaven, but I would imagine it's like ice cream and chicken nuggets at the same time.

DJ: I have to make a video of myself...because they want to see a good guy in action.

Mike: Look at that. It's a sea of stupid.

Girl in Hallway: Ow!! I was picking my nose and you made me hurt myself!

Frau: Hebble, do you have your big thing?

Beezle (using heat wrap for injury): This looks just like a maxi pad.
Mum: Yes, but I wouldn't use them interchangeably. That might be painful. Or it'd be really stimulating and you'd never have to leave the house.

Football Player (in art): Moses wasn't a sculptor. He was a sailor.
Girl: What?
Football Player: Well. For 40 days and 40 nights.

Ellyn: What was that German battlecry again? Heugen-beugen?
Jack: What? Um. Heugen-bliegen? Hiegen-blieden? Hymen-bleeding?

Andre: I feel like a cupcake.

Mike (singing): Yes it's a lesbian platypus
A platypus that likes platypussy

hr: Pale, splotchy, and dry. Just how I like my women.


J'bUrg

Howard (to Molly): Do I look like a princess?

Granver: Tony, do you mind if I put you in a cage and exploit you?

Hoff: I feel there should be a rule that I don't get ugly campers.

Fluff: Plant trees so we can eat more popsicles.

Lorelei: Granver, I don't know about that chicken in your pockets thing.

Beezle: You eat whatever looks the least like plastic food.

Alicia: ...if they have an eating problem, whether it's dyslexia or anorexia.

Howard: I would not want my kids at a camp where they run around nude.

Howard: I don't want people to think I'm sketchy.

Doug: My children should not be left unattended...like a hot stove.

Howard: Touch campers only where a bathing suit would touch.

Kati: In America you say it 'can't'; Magda says that if I pronounce it differently it is not right. 'C*nt'? Why not 'c*nt'?

Crissie: John, a millipede just crawled out of your ear.

Andrew (playing assassin): I shoulda got Wood today.

Granver: We've got premium babies in the freezer.

Yurii (talking about the sea): Do you have bitches in England?

Yurii: Do you have rape fruit?

Pam: I'm the only one who's allowed to deep throat my maglight.

fOurtH.

Warhol Superstar: I love his ice-cream. Not his underwear though.

DeathRow2455: i was planning on letting Jame Austin monopolize my weekend
beezle304: Jame Austin? Jane's black cousin from the city?

hr: This shirt just screams, Come to me, little children.

Chapin: Now how am I supposed to get big?

Mr. O: Why didn't they have lightbulbs?

Preppy Girl: Because Ben Franklin hadn't invented them yet!

Becca: Are you saying Maddie's a paedophile?

Beezle: Maddie's an anythingophile.

mum: Ithaca's out in bumfuck Egypt.

James (7-yr-old cousin): Mom, I would like you to know your husband is out on the porch smoking a cigar, and I do not approve.

Frau: France. Is not. In. Germany.

Student: The discussion about human rights in Generia...

Tina: What are we going to do with all this food?
Maddie: Give it to the poor?
Herr Claeys: No.

Hymns in a new hymnal: Let Me have My Way Among You

facing page: Lay It All Down

Hymn: Jesus Took a Towel

psychous 3: this is gonna be the best easter ever. I'm gonna go light a cow on fire.

tHirD.

Tina: I don't need sensitivity training. Everyone else just needs to toughen up.

me: He smokes like a big...factory tower...smoking...thing.
Mike: Chimney?

Frau: Sie möchte shit.

hr: I don't know why I was thinking about Tom Cruise in the shower.

mum (about $20 for church offering made in soup bowl):
It's for Marybeth's pot money.

Maddie: Then my last boyfriend was a necropheliac, but he liked me too.

Mike: There's no "i" in team, but there's an "i" in meat pie.
Fred: No there's not.

Mr K (Quibbie): In what state...?

Steph: Norway and France.

mum: Ellyn, you can never date a wrestler. I don't care how hot he is.
Jack: Can I?

hr: It amuses me, because live people are warm.

Mr K: But you can do things with corn you can't do with pineapples.

seCond.

student test answer: "Sinners in the Hands of an Ugly God"

Hannah: Idaho is funny. It's the kind of thing that's funny if it's not happening to you.

DJ (to Ian): You shouldn't bend over like that when you're wearing a thong.

James: (stretching) My joints suck.
Mike: Well maybe you should find another dealer.

Diesel: I don't have a groin hole. Just a groin threadbare.

Mike: ...which leads me to believe Jesus was actually a walking pinata.

firSt insTaLlmeNt.

hr: That's awesome! I actually own a shirt now!

Andre: We’re BOTHavores!

Jjbark2J: thingy is my word damn it

(after tkd)Ellyn: When we were geared up for sparring, I saw Tristan and thought he was beezle and...
Mum: You thought beezle was a tall black man?

Austin: Stop felt tipping on my foot!

hr: I'm being repressed!

Jack(punching Ellyn): I'm gonna keep banging you!

Ellyn: Whenever I'm around Mark or Maddie, my eyelashes fall out.

hr: Now I have a shirt and I can wear a ring...and candles. I could melt them and cover my body in wax.

Elly (about mark): Whenever he walks past, I'm always talking about boobs.

tier robotics: oh dear... there's a chocolate donut smudge on the ceiling...
pocky304: ...
pocky304: do I even want to know why?
tier robotics: pat wanted a donut...
pocky304: but it got away?

Maddie: I read the chapters...twice fucking times!

Jack (on the draft): I'm really glad you have a heart defect, cos otherwise your life might be in danger.

Mike: Now I know what it feels like to have an STD!

Mike (in quiz bowl): Damn, there is no such place as Daneland!

pocky304: hello
pocky304: I've lost my mind
pocky304: do you know where I can find a new one cheap?
psy chous3: dollar store?

John: This plastic shit is dangerous.

(speculation on a friend I could go to Germany with):
me: John takes German.
mum: You can't fly with a terrorist.

tier robotics: have you seen my lolipop?
tier robotics: I haven't seen it in a while
tier robotics: it's long...
pocky304: no, last time I checked it was in your mouth
tier robotics: *lick*
tier robotics: *lick*
tier robotics: *lick*
tier robotics: would you like to have a go?

Maddie to me: Well, at my art table Danielle sits with me, you known Danielle, and beezle, and Yvonne, and....oh.

Mr K: I'd like to take my wife down to the golf course and play around with her a little.

Deathrow2455: clovers and blue moos

Wilson (at Sal's): What's going to happen is I'm going to get bread in my history book. And on Monday in class I'm going to find it, and gobble it all up.

mum: You just flipped off baby Jesus. You're going to hell.

hr: I'm sorry, my hand turned into a hampster for a bit.

student: But then the gay people will marry other gay people and they'll HAVE GAY KIDS...
mum: ...have you not had the talk about the birds and the bees yet?

mum: Jack, stop making funny faces at the camera or I'll show these to the 1st girlfriend or boyfriend you have.

Pat: Meat substitutes that should exist: misteak, keilbeancurdasa, shamhocks, approximeat, beefu, soystrami, mockwurst, I can't believe it's not a dead animal!, tofuck you meatlover.

pocky304: now if that meant anything at all to me, I would feel enlightened
pocky304: but I don't, so I'm going to put on some cheesy elevator music and pretend I do

Tweak: I have nice condoms.
hr: As opposed to angry condoms? Unhappy condoms?

psy chous3: I bought a pony.
beezle304: yay
beezle304: can I ride the pony?
psy chous3: if you pet it first
psy chous3: it only lets you ride it if you pet it.
psy chous3: I didn't pet it before I rode it... it got angry
psy chous3: and told me that I was a bad boy and I should get more sleep at night
psy chous3: and.. it's funny..
psy chous3: ya know how when you go to the store to buy pants, you usually buy only one pair of pants because you only wear one pair of pants at a time?
psy chous3: well, when I brought my pony to the store, I had to buy TWO pairs of pants instead of just one!!
psy chous3: because ponies... ya see, ponies wear two pears of pants at a time
psy chous3: pairs*.. not pears
psy chous3: I've never seen a pony wear pears
psy chous3: they might eat pears... but they don't wear them
psy chous3: except maybe in Africa
psy chous3: but I doubt there's any pears in Africa

Cassy: What's a sexy animal?
me: You are, Cassy. Stop talking.
(pause)Cassy: I'm not an animal! I only have two nipples!

Maddie: Beezle, if you were my boyfriend, you wouldn't talk about how pretty other girls are to me, would you? ...Oh, wait, you couldn't be my boyfriend.

hr: You're almost as bad as my hairdryer.

Herr Claeys: (about Bush) I'm going to kill that dumb fuck.

Andy: He is SO FRIKKIN CUTE.
Esse: Mr Claeys?
Andy: No! The poky little puppy!!

pocky304: I can say "creme custard cook canaries" 5 times rapidly. 4 is not permitted.

Mike: (holding boy over shoulder) Who wants to play ass tag with a small child?

Diesel: No more baby for you, Spaldo!

mum (going past Doctors Park): If they don't know where to put their apostophy, how am I supposed to trust them with my colon?

me: koalas eat bamboo!

maddie: the snowblowers...in zimbabwe...

(at a PJ faculty assembly:)
When in fear
When in doubt
Run in circles
Scream and shout

-Homeland security officer

pocky304: where do you buy magic bunny seeds?

Wilson: You're all insane
....do I smell pretty?

shopping for my 4 yr old cousin's bday present:
mum: I like boy toys.

Jack: Mommy, what does "hummer" mean?
mum: I'm not telling you. Go away.

hr:...because Kisatsky is a mouthful.

ron:…but Frau, they celebrate germany in france!

Ellyn (to hr): I would pay money for you to wear a thong and push up bra.

Jack: This ice cream's crunchy!

pocky304: I'm dead tired but caffeined up, so my brain doesn't know what it wants to be right now
ChoirboyPhoenix: oh...
pocky304: possibly a fish
pocky304: my brain would like to be a fish
pocky304: fishy fishy

maddie: beezle, I wish dan was like a female version of you.

Andy (councellor): No throwing rocks.
Rachel: What about sticks?
Andy: Sticks are the same as rocks. Trust me, I'm in college, I know these things.
Rachel: What about tic tacs?
Andy: Tic tacs are minerals. Which are rocks.

Tweak (blocking light in parking lot): I can't keep blocking the sun from the light! I have more important things to do.

(after parents forced him to listen to The Talk)
Jack: I'm never gonna use this stuff! It's like algebra!

tyler: stan, you made me sticky again!

Jjbark2J: ...if i was a cheerleader i would go out with myself

hr: I'm gonna be a male eventually.

Chapin: Say you kill someone, like, chop their head off, but it was a mistake...

student: You look really serious, Mr K.
Mr K: No. I just really have to go to the bathroom.

mum: Chickens are mean and stupid. Like Republicans.

pat: Benches are scary when they move fast.

pocky304: happiness is bandaids

Mrs Potters (on Joan of Arc): What did they do after she was dead?
Andre: Put her back to-gether?

pocky304: I've gotten all the snot on my feet I can handle in one day.

Maddie:I like to sit outside with my mouth open and photosynthesize.

Andre: But do two 6 inchers really make up for a foot long?

Katie: What kind of pants do guys wear in the winter?
Mike: Baggy jeans. Preferably something that accentuates the groinular region.
Dan: Like a sock?

psy chous3: don't worry... when I launch my macrohard, you'll be able to do whatever you want

Maddie: What's your name again? Dave?
Pat: No, but you got the 'a' right. It only has three letters.
Maddie: Hans?

hr: I'm starting to wonder if I'm pregnant.

Diesel: Tyler, don't talk about putting stuff up people's ass, because it never comes out right.

mum: Our new toilet is like Bush. It leans to the right and it's full of crap.

tier robotics: beware, I'm getting cleverer and clerer by the moment
tier robotics: clevere*
tier robotics: cleverer*

Maddie: You're so inescippably stupid.

fOrwARd.

QotY is a compilation of inane comments I hear and scribble down. Sometimes they're clever, sometimes out of context, others just dumb. Due to popular demand (read as: a couple people mentioned offhand) the QotY will be compiled here. Anyone who has a quote they think I should add can leave a comment in the most recent QotY update. If you'd like, I can change (screen/)names for privacy. Cheers all.

-beezle